worth the wait.

Before Lawson came every month I had hope, I hoped it would be "the month" we'd get our baby. 74 times I was let down, and on the 75th month I closed my eyes as I prayed with all my heart there'd be two lines. And there were.

The next week I hoped that my lab tests would be good, I worried myself sick as I waited to hear if my levels were doubling. They were.

Then for the ultrasound, I worried sick we would go to look and there would be nothing there. At 5 weeks 6 days, Dr. Sparkman took a look and voila! something other than just follicles and ovaries like before ;) a perfect lil gestational sac, no heartbeat. Yet. So I prayed and prayed that in a week when we looked again, there would be a heartbeat, and there was, wow. What a sound.

And so after that I just simply worried about anything and everything possible, I wanted this baby so badly. Well at about 14 weeks I started anticipating feeling the baby move....at around 17 weeks I lay in bed concentrating and staring at my belly as suddenly my hand seemed to jump off my belly out of nowhere. Amazing. OMG the tears they flowed instantly. Wow did I LOVE being pregnant, every second, I loved it. By far the best time of my life prior to Lawson's birth.

Then there was THE DAY, July 18 2009... After some scary unexpected circumstances, I found myself laying in an operating room as the patient of an emergency c-section. I cracked jokes to Dr. Jennings about making me a pretty c-section scar until within seconds I felt the miracle I had been carrying for nine months leave my belly and seen him enter the world.... All jokes were over. I glued my eyes to my tiny boy as the nurses worked on him. There was an awkward, eery silence. And in that very instance with every bit of my being I prayed to God please let me hear my baby cry. It was about 5 LONG minutes, and finally he let out a tiny weak lil cry. That day I begged for him to cry, (although I soon found myself rethinking that when we got home..lol)

As days, weeks, months have passed I have studied, worried, and practiced w/Lawson on various milestones, why is he not rolling over? Why is he not sitting up yet? Each one he has tackled one by one in his own time.... Tonight, when my lil boy perched up on his hands and lifted his chest and belly from the floor to crawling position for whatever reason I think my heart crumbled to a million pieces... I almost wanted to push him over..lol. Now here I am wanting to just slow all this down... So tonight rocking Lawson for bed, I cried and cried as I held him as I thought of all of the above trials. And though It breaks my heart to an extent to see him grow up so quickly, it will never touch the pain I felt before he got here. My life seemed so regular and simple before him, and I wanted him and I hoped for him with every breath in my body. Now I have him, boy am I ever sooooo blessed beyond belief. When my brother died, I told Lindsey that my heart was forever broken, Lawson put it back together the second I looked in his eyes. I never ever thought that would be possible.

Everynight I rock Lawson and we pray very specifically for 3 women (used to be 4, hallelujah ;), that God will bless them with the miracle of motherhood and heal their hearts too. A good friend of mine who battled infertility along with MS for many years once told me that the horrendous pain her body endured with her MS and the treatments for her MS could never touch the pain she felt in her heart while struggling with infertility, the not knowing if she'd ever be blessed with a baby. She now has three beautiful girls ;)

Tonight when you pray, include a prayer for any woman who longs to have a baby that God speedily blesses them as he so graciously did myself, because now that I am a mother I cannot imagine ever having lived without. It was well worth the wait.